I have often felt like two people.
There’s the morning me and the evening me.
In the morning, I’m energized. I wake up early, usually between four and five o’clock. I like coffee, maybe too much. So I have switched to half-caf, but I usually have a couple big mugs of half-caf and I feel like conquering the world. I’m full of plans and hope. I know all the amazing things I’m going to get accomplished today.
Then there is the night time me.
I’m tired. By the end of the day, I’m dragging myself home from the battlefield. Multiple things have fallen off my list that I wanted to get accomplished. I have failed at my goals. Not all of them but some of them. I don’t always have the energy to play with my kids. I don’t have the wit or will to court my wife like I had imagined. It is all I can do not to kick the dog, crack open a can of beer, and fall asleep in front of the TV.
The two me’s feel as different as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I want to be the morning me all the time. It feels like my best self. I never want to be the nighttime me because he is usually the worst form of myself (or close to it).
Why are there two of me? I’m not bipolar. I’m not manic depressive. Is this as simple as I’m an early bird not a night owl? Is this an extreme case of circadian rhythm? Is it something that I’m eating? Is it something I’m doing wrong with my day? Am I abnormal? Am I doomed to always have low energy in the evening? Is it genetic?
I don’t want to accept the fact that it’s genetic. Having low energy in the evening is a core problem for me. It is when I am at my weakest. This is when I drink alcohol. It’s when I eat sweets. Most of my calories for the day are consumed at dinner. Mr. Hyde is making me fat, lazy, and weak. And that’s a problem because nighttime is when I have my quality time with my family. It’s when I want to be playing hide and seek with my kids. It’s when I want to read them stories. It’s when I want to woo my wife. I can’t afford to fall asleep on the sofa after dinner watching TV.
I want to tell Mr. Hyde to take a hike. I want half of my free time back in my day.
I want to have the energy to enforce my willpower and to make my goals and dreams come true.